Thursday, April 2, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Multimedia message
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Always low prices.... Sometimes
I have a new cell phone and it can accept a micro SD card that can hold songs, games and pictures. I would like to store songs,games and pictures on my phone so I decided to buy a 4gig micro SD card. At the same time I also needed to buy cat food since I ran out this morning. I thought to myself, "What place might have both cat food and a micro SD card?" The answer I gave myself was, "Well, any big-box store you fool." I publicly berated myself for calling me a fool and then decided to check out Wal-Mart since it is the only big-box store within 15 miles of my little burgh. I went online to see if Wal-Mart first carried micro Sd cards and also to check their price. It's Wal-Mart so of course they had them and of course they were very inexpensive. A 4 gig card was just about $12 to be a bit more precise. So I get in my car and drive to Wal-Mart where I find the exact card that I found online. The card that was $12 online was almost $20 in the store. I spoke to a very nice sales associate and she shared that she also did not understand why this happened so much. She told me that I could have the item shipped to that same store for the online price with no extra charge. I already knew this but I decided not to.
Now I've been thinking about this ordeal and I've come to the conclusion that one of two things is going on here. Either Wal-Mart is so large that communication breaks down somewhere along the line from their Bentonville headquarters or that Wal-Mart is punishing it's customers for being unwilling or unable to research every product they buy. I believe the latter is true. If Wal-mart has the ability to ship any product to any store it would seem that they could very easily make the pricing equal not only among all of it's stores but also between it's online and brick and mortar stores. There really is no reason other than greed for there to be an 80% discrepency between prices on the same product from the same company. Always low prices? Only if you have the time and energy to find them. F Wal-Mart!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
SNO-WITE
He was thirty-six, but must have lived a hard life. He looked at least a decade older. He was there because he was "cooling off". She had pissed him off again and it was probably over this time. He celebrated with a six pack of Busch pints, the last one still clung to the plastic ring hanging from his pocket. The second to last was slowly being sipped as he told me his story. "They're always older like, in their fifties but they're always pretty hot, usually". He assured me that he wasn't violent but that he understood domestic violence. He spoke with the certainty of someone who had dealt a blow, probably several, most likely hundreds. He rolled a joint and lit it. It turned out to be a cigarette. Hand-rolled cigarettes are cheap and I soon learned that he was out of a job. He had been out of a job for years now and lived off the kindness of others and what God granted him at the food pantry. His family was appalled by his lifstyle but he had recently made his peace with them. They were wealthy and he had chosen the life of a drifter. San Diego, Key West and any other place where you could live in your van year round, he had called home. He left when the work ran out or when his sentence was up and always returned to New York.
My laundry was done so I told him that I'd see him around. I never did catch his name.
Morning haiku
Every rose has thorns
Like every night has a dawn
Cowboys sing sad songs
There are things that I know I should know but don't know like differential calculus, organic chemistry, how to program in Java, and if Gwen Stefani has any marks natural or otherwise on her breasts. There are also things that I know but that I know that I should not know like the names Zach Efron, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale. I also know the exact aroma of my ladlord's urine. I should not know this.
Attn: All comments to posts containing haiku that are not themselves in haiku form will be deleted, but first ridiculed publicly.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Pro-Strife
There exists in this country, a perennially contentious debate over when the life of a person begins. Some believe that life begins at conception and generally put themselves in the "pro-life" camp that feels that once a woman has become pregnant the fetus has the right to life and that performing an abortion on this fetus would be tantamount to murder. Those on the opposite end of the spectrum usually call themselves "pro-choice" and believe that the fetus is simply part of the woman's body and that she has the right to terminate the pregnancy should it be in her best interest. Those on the pro-choice side of the debate understand and acknowledge that those on the pro-life side of the debate do believe that all life, even that of and unborn fetus, is very special and is to be protected. Those on the pro-life side of the debate seem to have less respect for the views of their opposition and often resort to calling pro-choice people "pro-abortionists"
Now you would probably agree with the majority of pro-choice people when they say that calling them "pro-abortion" is a gross misrepresentation of their views. You might even go so far as to say that no one is actually "pro-abortion". You would be wrong.
I am actually pro-abortion. I believe that the mothers of Dick Cheney, Nadya Suleman, Sean Hannity, and yes... Gallagher should all have been held down and had their bellies used like trampolines until their demon seeds ceased to exist. Some joke about "retroactive abortion" but this is no laughing matter. Serious action needs to be taken immediately to to ensure that not only are abortions kept legal but also painful and mandatory for those who may be carrying the next infamous war criminal, mass murderer, serial rapist, or conservative talk radio host. The retroactive abortion option needs to remain open for those who don't begin to show their tendencies toward being complete and utter assholes until their teens or even twenties. Like John Lennon said, "You show me a bloody coat hanger and I'll show you a perfect world"
Now you would probably agree with the majority of pro-choice people when they say that calling them "pro-abortion" is a gross misrepresentation of their views. You might even go so far as to say that no one is actually "pro-abortion". You would be wrong.
I am actually pro-abortion. I believe that the mothers of Dick Cheney, Nadya Suleman, Sean Hannity, and yes... Gallagher should all have been held down and had their bellies used like trampolines until their demon seeds ceased to exist. Some joke about "retroactive abortion" but this is no laughing matter. Serious action needs to be taken immediately to to ensure that not only are abortions kept legal but also painful and mandatory for those who may be carrying the next infamous war criminal, mass murderer, serial rapist, or conservative talk radio host. The retroactive abortion option needs to remain open for those who don't begin to show their tendencies toward being complete and utter assholes until their teens or even twenties. Like John Lennon said, "You show me a bloody coat hanger and I'll show you a perfect world"
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
afternoon haiku
urine on my shirt
the foul odor offends
I must kill the cat
MEDITATE ON THAT MO-FUGGAS!!!
Jackass of Spades
I know that I was supposed to elaborate on my plan to go homeless but I have a new need and that is to complain. If you know me , you will know that this happens often. If you know me you can skip the background information that I'm about to give you, but since many of you do not know me this information will be essential to understanding what i'm about to tell you.
I work at a small retail party store in an economically depressed area. At my establishment we sell paperware, balloons, party hats, noise makers, and the like. Pretty much anything you would expect to find at a party store. Although we have some very nice customers we tend to cater mostly to a lower socio-economic class. Those in the area who have money, tend to throw their parties with Johnny Walker Blue and canapes not Labatt Blue and hot dogs. Those who do the former are not my customers.
Now that you understand my average customer I'm sure that it will be easier to understand the average interaction I have during the day. Here's one quick example for those of you who are going to ask. It's a recap of a phone call I fielded today. This conversation is not indicative of every one I have but similar conversations occur often enough to be aggrivating.
Me: Thank you for calling _____. How may I help you?
Caller: I'm lookin' for them things you put on a table.
Me: What sort of things are those?
Caller: Them things you put on a table. They come in a package.
Me: I'm sorry but I'm not sure what you are talking about. Could you tell me what they look like?
Caller: Well, my brother was in there last week and he said you didn't have none of them things. You know. Them things. They say "forty" and stuff. You know. You put them on a table. You sprinkle them on a table.
Me: Oh, do you mean confetti?
Caller: yeah
Me: For a fortieth birthday?
Caller: Yeah, my brother said you don't have none.
The call goes on and I eventually look for the fortieth birthday confetti knowing that it wasn't here last Saturday and also knowing that I haven't gotten any in since then. Obviously I know the outcome of my search but I figure that it's a good chance to stretch my legs and also waste a bit of this person's time as some sort of passive agressive retribution for doing the same to me. I come back to the phone and I give this person the opposite of the answer that they are looking. It has a net zero effect on my cash register but it warms my soul a few degrees knowing that I may in some way have helped to ruin this person's day. I feel like friggin' Gandhi.
I work at a small retail party store in an economically depressed area. At my establishment we sell paperware, balloons, party hats, noise makers, and the like. Pretty much anything you would expect to find at a party store. Although we have some very nice customers we tend to cater mostly to a lower socio-economic class. Those in the area who have money, tend to throw their parties with Johnny Walker Blue and canapes not Labatt Blue and hot dogs. Those who do the former are not my customers.
Now that you understand my average customer I'm sure that it will be easier to understand the average interaction I have during the day. Here's one quick example for those of you who are going to ask. It's a recap of a phone call I fielded today. This conversation is not indicative of every one I have but similar conversations occur often enough to be aggrivating.
Me: Thank you for calling _____. How may I help you?
Caller: I'm lookin' for them things you put on a table.
Me: What sort of things are those?
Caller: Them things you put on a table. They come in a package.
Me: I'm sorry but I'm not sure what you are talking about. Could you tell me what they look like?
Caller: Well, my brother was in there last week and he said you didn't have none of them things. You know. Them things. They say "forty" and stuff. You know. You put them on a table. You sprinkle them on a table.
Me: Oh, do you mean confetti?
Caller: yeah
Me: For a fortieth birthday?
Caller: Yeah, my brother said you don't have none.
The call goes on and I eventually look for the fortieth birthday confetti knowing that it wasn't here last Saturday and also knowing that I haven't gotten any in since then. Obviously I know the outcome of my search but I figure that it's a good chance to stretch my legs and also waste a bit of this person's time as some sort of passive agressive retribution for doing the same to me. I come back to the phone and I give this person the opposite of the answer that they are looking. It has a net zero effect on my cash register but it warms my soul a few degrees knowing that I may in some way have helped to ruin this person's day. I feel like friggin' Gandhi.
Monday, February 23, 2009
off the grid or the deep end?
In these troubling economic times I hear a lot of talk about "tightening the belt". It seems as though the financial experts have all come to the same conclusions about how to fix your personal finances. Apparently skipping that half-caf mocha latte each morning or carpooling to work will halp me save the $650 a week that I need to be putting into my retirement fund to have a substantial enough payout to live my final miserable years in relative comfort. Well, what if your belt is on it's last notch? What if you are so poor that you've had the same damn belt since junior high and your poverty has forced you into eating only McDonald's dollar menu crap that has forced your waistline to inch ever so slightly outward year after year until that belt simply won't wrap around your fat ass anymore? What then Mr. Financial Expert? What the fuck then? Huh?
Well, I think I might have the solution but I have yet to work out the logistics. I suggest homelessness without the appearance of being homeless. Let me explain. There are certain cues that immediately betray that typical homeless person. The shit-stained clothes; the acrid or possibly rancid odor that comes from days and more likely weeks of not bathing; the lack of modern technology such as an MP3 player or a cell phone; and a general unkempt appearance typically denote that the person with whom you are conversing or prabably just pointing and laughing at is homeless. but what if we could reduce or even get rid of these pesky deviations from social norms? If loooks like it has a home, walks like it has a home and quacks like it has a home.... Can't we then draw some logical albeit false conclusions?
The first step it getting rid of what is typically a person's largest expense: His home. Having no home serves a twofold purpose. It would first place hundreds and more likely thousands of dollars back into your pocket monthly. No mortgage, no rent, no water bill, no electric bill, no heating bill, no home phone, no cable TV, no homeowner's insurance, no renter's insurance, no cleaning supplies.... I'm sure that by now you can see where I'm going and obviously the list goes on and on. Where do we sleep and shower you might ask. You probably already have a gym membership but if you don't there is probably a YMCA in you area. Get a membership and use it. Use the fuck out of it. Take three showers a day if you feel the need. I guarantee that there will be a TV. Turn on CNN or just watch some reruns of Will and Grace while you run on the treadmill. Everybody loves Will and Grace and no one will question you if you change the channel. If they do, just complain to the manager. If that fat bitch who doen'st like the "homosexual references" on Will and Grace complains to the mananger first just let slash her tires and join a new gym. Hopefully they will let you watch whatever you want at the new place. If that new place insists on playing only Fox News or only has a radio then just suck it the fuck up as this is a small price to pay for a life of near absolute freedom.
I just bought a pork loin and it's lookin' real tasty so I'll be back later to tell you more about my plan. In the meantime, please feel free to commment on any logistical problems that I may have overlooked thus far.
Well, I think I might have the solution but I have yet to work out the logistics. I suggest homelessness without the appearance of being homeless. Let me explain. There are certain cues that immediately betray that typical homeless person. The shit-stained clothes; the acrid or possibly rancid odor that comes from days and more likely weeks of not bathing; the lack of modern technology such as an MP3 player or a cell phone; and a general unkempt appearance typically denote that the person with whom you are conversing or prabably just pointing and laughing at is homeless. but what if we could reduce or even get rid of these pesky deviations from social norms? If loooks like it has a home, walks like it has a home and quacks like it has a home.... Can't we then draw some logical albeit false conclusions?
The first step it getting rid of what is typically a person's largest expense: His home. Having no home serves a twofold purpose. It would first place hundreds and more likely thousands of dollars back into your pocket monthly. No mortgage, no rent, no water bill, no electric bill, no heating bill, no home phone, no cable TV, no homeowner's insurance, no renter's insurance, no cleaning supplies.... I'm sure that by now you can see where I'm going and obviously the list goes on and on. Where do we sleep and shower you might ask. You probably already have a gym membership but if you don't there is probably a YMCA in you area. Get a membership and use it. Use the fuck out of it. Take three showers a day if you feel the need. I guarantee that there will be a TV. Turn on CNN or just watch some reruns of Will and Grace while you run on the treadmill. Everybody loves Will and Grace and no one will question you if you change the channel. If they do, just complain to the manager. If that fat bitch who doen'st like the "homosexual references" on Will and Grace complains to the mananger first just let slash her tires and join a new gym. Hopefully they will let you watch whatever you want at the new place. If that new place insists on playing only Fox News or only has a radio then just suck it the fuck up as this is a small price to pay for a life of near absolute freedom.
I just bought a pork loin and it's lookin' real tasty so I'll be back later to tell you more about my plan. In the meantime, please feel free to commment on any logistical problems that I may have overlooked thus far.
scooters, vacation, fall
I thought a blog was for your own thoughts but I'm quickly learning that the man can reach his frosty hand into the depths of your computer and even your soul for that matter and just command you to do his bidding. I was told that scooters, vacation, and fall were all appropriate labels for the topic of this blog so here I am at "his" request or should I say at the short end of "his" repressive will writing to you about topics for which i have no love or interest. Well, ... maybe the scooters. I do enjoy small motorized vehicles especially those on which there is a significant chance of doing serious harm to ones self. And as for vacation... I mean really? Who doesn't like vacation. You meet new and interesting people, you have a few drinks, maybe you get some action. I suppose fall isn't so bad. Wool is cozy and fall gives you a perfect reason to wear it. Shit... maybe the man knows something I don't.
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